All beings desire happiness; therefore to all extend your benevolence - Mahavamsa.

just when you think you understand someone, something always happens that changes everything. in the end, everyone is always out for themselves. even if you don't believe this, you are too. you might not notice it but its there. every little decision, every little action, eventually one is aimed for your own well being.
its amazing the actions some people take to get what they need for themselves or to gain something. choosing an immature, greedy, selfish, person over your best friend? just to gain something for yourself. you know that friendship isn't real. how do i know ours was, though? its all about you. always. you have to be in control. what is it? we don't have enough fun? you can't trust me? you think i judge you? i don't understand what would make you do this. and i guess i haven't learned because this just keeps happening and happening. i don't understand why you hide things from me. why you think i would go and tell everyone or why do you think would think differently of you? you obviously don't know me. which means our friendship of 9 years means nothing. i don't care what you do as long as your safe and not being stupid. i would give you my advice if you need it, but i don't expect you to always follow it. and when you don't, i don't get mad. i'm here to back you up or be there when you need me. so why do you lie? why do you distance yourself from the truth and me? why are you nervous that i might deliberately tell your secrets? are you really that dumb?

i guess i'm just not over it yet. i can't stop thinking of how you throw friendships away. and how you tell one person one thing and then me a different. why would you throw away our friendship for a slut like that? she's fake and i guarantee she doesn't really care about you. she's just going with the flow, playing out what she needs to do to be where she wants to be. at least with me there's no drama. at least there's no lying and no back stabbing. i don't care what you think. i never have back stabbed you. i've never hated you enough to never talk to you again. and the only bad talking i've ever done is in private when i'm just venting about how you piss me off. everyone has a right to vent. and if i hated you truly, i wouldn't talk to you, ever.

i guess i should admit that it hurts. my best friend is so caught up in herself that all she thinks about, is herself. it has always been that way but it has gotten worse. everything we do she has to be in control, she decides everything. she puts herself in positions to look better/be better then everyone around her. everything is timed for her. everything she wants to do, she decides. if you don't want to do something then you don't go. or if you ask her to do something and she actually can(will), she'll rush you and you'll have to leave when she needs to. she'll time it that way because she has to have a million things to do. and she makes sure there is no down time. everything is back to back. and it doesn't matter about your plans. that is the only reason that she pisses me off and makes me not want to hang out with her. there have been so many times i've sacrificed what i wanted to do, that i get really mad. and not to mention the times when i have actually planned something and she has stopped by for maybe 10 minutes. that happens a lot. that's what makes me NOT call her. plus, you have to call her. she will not call you. then it make her look and feel wanted. everyone trying to get ahold of her. fuck that. i need to be needed too and if you want to talk to me. you can call.

i know she uses people for her happiness. everyone has one person they might do that too. you keep them around because they make you laugh or they always pick up your calls... something like that. well maybe i'm the same way. maybe it doesn't matter that were best friends. maybe she used me too. i can see it happening. it doesn't make me angry, i just wish one day she could admit it or prove me wrong.

i think our friendship problems hurt me and bother me so much because my other girl friends, aren't really best friend types. they don't share the same views, openness, likes and dislikes. they don't understand me. we don't think alike. we don't like the same things. and i'm losing the one person that i have all that with. she rarely pisses me where as my other friends do get on my nerves, and a lot.

i'm confused. and i don't know if i'll ever be un-confused.