he makes me so mad sometimes.
he doesn't get it.
the dog annoys me.
i want summer to come.
im being impatient.
i hate this song.
im not hungry.
but i feel fat.
i want to go to the park.
but i don't want to go alone.

there's nothing to do.
i hate sundays.


hardd questions // what do i think?

1) If you were deserted on an island in the middle of nowhere, what is the first thing you would do?

I'd probably have to calm myself down... and rationalize. Think about the situation and then make the best of it. I would think about survival first, not finding away off the island. Gotta make it through the first night. It might actually be fun!

2) If God didn't exist, would you invent him?

I'm not sure... this one would come down to if I had any knowledge of a higher being like that. If I didn't know, if our society didn't teach about Gods and creators, then maybe I wouldn't. But then again, maybe I would create someone I could go to for advice and maybe I would create someone to watch over me. It depends on a lot of things.

3) If you grew up the complete opposite of how you did, would you be a different person?

Yes and No. I think we as beings have a preset mind and soul. Things around us don't necessarily make us who we are. We may be influenced by our surroundings but as a being I already hold my own feelings, thoughts, and 'person'. Its complicated to explain but I think its a part of our brains we don't use. A part that explains how we know things, how we figure out who we are, etc.

4) If someone pulled a gun on you and did shoot you, would you be angry?
Honestly, I take what life brings me with an open mind. People have to deal with their own problems. And I understand people live hard lives. It would be their problem in the end. To deal with their own suffering. I would hope them the best and hope they understand they need help. I wouldn't be hateful, maybe only for a short amount of time. But I would be thankful that God saved me. I wouldn't dwell on the hate for that person, only hope they got some help.

5) If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?

I would have a magic lamp that I could rub and ask the genie for as many wishes as I want



roll over the boxes =))

wanting. waiting. proving.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you think it might not happen? That it will be jinxed because of how bad you want it? What happens if it doesn't happen? Then what? That's scarier than a lot of things that could possibly happen.

Why do people make it so hard to prove things? If you wanted something bad enough and you are trying your damnest, then why would people still cut you down and say you can't do it? Why, if it is something out of the ordinary for you, do people feel the need to shut you down? If you want something bad enough to try your hardest and do everything it takes, I would back you up and praise you. Apparently most people don't think that way.

If in the end, you do succeed, then what do those people think? Usually they are still ignorant and won't give you the praise you deserve. Why are people this way? Why are people jealous? Why are people unhappy? If on the way through your journey, why do people tell you all the negatives? Why do they act like they know more about it than you do?

If in the end, you don't succeed, why do people feel so sorry for you? But behind your back, tell others they knew you couldn't do it? Why do they act like its better this way? How is it better if that's what you really wanted?

If in the end you do not succeed, and you wanted it more than anything, is it right not to be able to get over it? Is it okay to think there's nothing else? What if there really isn't? What if that was your last choice? The last hoo-rah?

Is fate controlling you if in the end you do or don't succeed?

All beings desire happiness; therefore to all extend your benevolence - Mahavamsa.

just when you think you understand someone, something always happens that changes everything. in the end, everyone is always out for themselves. even if you don't believe this, you are too. you might not notice it but its there. every little decision, every little action, eventually one is aimed for your own well being.
its amazing the actions some people take to get what they need for themselves or to gain something. choosing an immature, greedy, selfish, person over your best friend? just to gain something for yourself. you know that friendship isn't real. how do i know ours was, though? its all about you. always. you have to be in control. what is it? we don't have enough fun? you can't trust me? you think i judge you? i don't understand what would make you do this. and i guess i haven't learned because this just keeps happening and happening. i don't understand why you hide things from me. why you think i would go and tell everyone or why do you think would think differently of you? you obviously don't know me. which means our friendship of 9 years means nothing. i don't care what you do as long as your safe and not being stupid. i would give you my advice if you need it, but i don't expect you to always follow it. and when you don't, i don't get mad. i'm here to back you up or be there when you need me. so why do you lie? why do you distance yourself from the truth and me? why are you nervous that i might deliberately tell your secrets? are you really that dumb?

i guess i'm just not over it yet. i can't stop thinking of how you throw friendships away. and how you tell one person one thing and then me a different. why would you throw away our friendship for a slut like that? she's fake and i guarantee she doesn't really care about you. she's just going with the flow, playing out what she needs to do to be where she wants to be. at least with me there's no drama. at least there's no lying and no back stabbing. i don't care what you think. i never have back stabbed you. i've never hated you enough to never talk to you again. and the only bad talking i've ever done is in private when i'm just venting about how you piss me off. everyone has a right to vent. and if i hated you truly, i wouldn't talk to you, ever.

i guess i should admit that it hurts. my best friend is so caught up in herself that all she thinks about, is herself. it has always been that way but it has gotten worse. everything we do she has to be in control, she decides everything. she puts herself in positions to look better/be better then everyone around her. everything is timed for her. everything she wants to do, she decides. if you don't want to do something then you don't go. or if you ask her to do something and she actually can(will), she'll rush you and you'll have to leave when she needs to. she'll time it that way because she has to have a million things to do. and she makes sure there is no down time. everything is back to back. and it doesn't matter about your plans. that is the only reason that she pisses me off and makes me not want to hang out with her. there have been so many times i've sacrificed what i wanted to do, that i get really mad. and not to mention the times when i have actually planned something and she has stopped by for maybe 10 minutes. that happens a lot. that's what makes me NOT call her. plus, you have to call her. she will not call you. then it make her look and feel wanted. everyone trying to get ahold of her. fuck that. i need to be needed too and if you want to talk to me. you can call.

i know she uses people for her happiness. everyone has one person they might do that too. you keep them around because they make you laugh or they always pick up your calls... something like that. well maybe i'm the same way. maybe it doesn't matter that were best friends. maybe she used me too. i can see it happening. it doesn't make me angry, i just wish one day she could admit it or prove me wrong.

i think our friendship problems hurt me and bother me so much because my other girl friends, aren't really best friend types. they don't share the same views, openness, likes and dislikes. they don't understand me. we don't think alike. we don't like the same things. and i'm losing the one person that i have all that with. she rarely pisses me where as my other friends do get on my nerves, and a lot.

i'm confused. and i don't know if i'll ever be un-confused.


the other day i was watching a movie i had just bought. and i was talking to my bf and saying how great these particular movies were and blah blah. and i was thinking about the third installment to these. just thinking about it and how i might buy it or i wanted to watch it. you know, that desire you get when you watch something you haven't in a long time and it just pops in your head? then about three days later, that movie that i was just thinking about... is on tv! ??? and its not even the season for this type of movie. (its a Christmas movie) does that ever happen to you?! well then, the other day i put this vhs in the video player (yea my parents still have one!) its a Disney movie. i just wanted to watch something that would put me in a good mood. one of those, "take me out of reality" kinda days. so we watched it and forgot about.

now mind you this is a movie made in the 1990's, Early 1990's. i've never seen it on the Disney channel. ever. infact normally, the Disney channel doesn't play older 'classic' movies. well guess what. the same day the Christmas movie was on (same exact time, in fact) the Disney movie was on the Disney channel! and this was later in the evening which is honestly weird for the Disney channel. but how weird is that?

its like when your thinking of a song and out of no where that song come on the radio! what are the chances of that? or this has happened to me before... we'll be watching an older movie, maybe its one of those ones i really like and i'll play it while i'm cleaning or at night to fall asleep to. and then completely out of no where, i'll see it on tv within the next week. and i'm talking about movies that aren't ALWAYS on tv. we all know, there are a lot of movies that are constantly played on television.

so is it a conspiracy? do dvds and vhs and cds have play counters in them? do the companies keep track of the most played videos?! or is it a psychic phenomena? or maybe its just pure coincidence. but it happens SO often. at least to me it does.

i get goosebumps when it happens :]

express checkout

that surprising jump. the feeling of the adrenaline rushing. flow of electricity running through my veins. it feels like a nervousness brewing deep inside. i feel like i could crawl out of my skin, in a fantastic way. i'm feeling love, desire, happiness, excitement. a little nervous tick starts. i wander if i can handle this. that feeling always comes at the beginning. i feel like i can't handle the blast inside my chest. i wonder what will happen, if it doesn't pass. i sigh with relief and cherish the jumping inside a little more. it makes me giggle, shudder with a quiver that travels up my body, and i melt into myself. bliss fills my head. i'm happy. and i feel good. sometimes i don't know if its because of the love i have for him or the first time the drugs make contact with my body's system. either way, i feel amazing.


that shakiness that makes me forget everything bad. everything annoying. everything i hate. the shakiness feels good. feels right. makes everything better. i guess you could say i'm an adrenaline junkie. not the kind who needs long periods of rushes. little episodes are fine for me. a little extra anxiety, the kind that makes you more focused, more aware. that gives you that empty, jittery, high-strung feeling. a lit uneasy but because you know there's no reason to be stressed, it feels lovely. that's the kind of anxiety i like. not the bad, the good.

and alas, it starts to pass. but first its slowly replaced with that mellow, numbness. that light push. up and down, up and down. i can feel it in my toes, in my ears. its that weird thing. how can you feel numbness? who knows, but you do. and it feels like heaven. sometimes there's that pang in the front of your forehead. it comes and goes. a little reminder that this isn't everything. sometimes you can't always feel good, or at least not for very long. becoming detached. flighty, light. airy almost. no cares, no problems, just emotions, touch, and dreams. your in two places at once. one in body, one in mind. two different beings. both you. both as smart as the other. completely different but in some way exactly the same. the thought crosses in front of you. it reminds you that this is just the effects. that maybe this can't actually happen. or maybe its just our brains can't quite grasp the concept, yet. that's why we don't think this way, we don't feel this way, when our brains are sober. you begin to think that maybe its just our brains haven't developed in this way on they're own yet. we haven't evolved enough to be able to think this way with out the help of drugs. maybe in the future generations they will tap into farther reaches of psyche like it was normal every day thinking. you can't pin point this and say its bad or its good. you can't say this isn't supposed to happen to our brains, or minds. where is it written that the creator of all things said this wasn't a good thing?