wanting. waiting. proving.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you think it might not happen? That it will be jinxed because of how bad you want it? What happens if it doesn't happen? Then what? That's scarier than a lot of things that could possibly happen.

Why do people make it so hard to prove things? If you wanted something bad enough and you are trying your damnest, then why would people still cut you down and say you can't do it? Why, if it is something out of the ordinary for you, do people feel the need to shut you down? If you want something bad enough to try your hardest and do everything it takes, I would back you up and praise you. Apparently most people don't think that way.

If in the end, you do succeed, then what do those people think? Usually they are still ignorant and won't give you the praise you deserve. Why are people this way? Why are people jealous? Why are people unhappy? If on the way through your journey, why do people tell you all the negatives? Why do they act like they know more about it than you do?

If in the end, you don't succeed, why do people feel so sorry for you? But behind your back, tell others they knew you couldn't do it? Why do they act like its better this way? How is it better if that's what you really wanted?

If in the end you do not succeed, and you wanted it more than anything, is it right not to be able to get over it? Is it okay to think there's nothing else? What if there really isn't? What if that was your last choice? The last hoo-rah?

Is fate controlling you if in the end you do or don't succeed?

express checkout

that surprising jump. the feeling of the adrenaline rushing. flow of electricity running through my veins. it feels like a nervousness brewing deep inside. i feel like i could crawl out of my skin, in a fantastic way. i'm feeling love, desire, happiness, excitement. a little nervous tick starts. i wander if i can handle this. that feeling always comes at the beginning. i feel like i can't handle the blast inside my chest. i wonder what will happen, if it doesn't pass. i sigh with relief and cherish the jumping inside a little more. it makes me giggle, shudder with a quiver that travels up my body, and i melt into myself. bliss fills my head. i'm happy. and i feel good. sometimes i don't know if its because of the love i have for him or the first time the drugs make contact with my body's system. either way, i feel amazing.

--------

that shakiness that makes me forget everything bad. everything annoying. everything i hate. the shakiness feels good. feels right. makes everything better. i guess you could say i'm an adrenaline junkie. not the kind who needs long periods of rushes. little episodes are fine for me. a little extra anxiety, the kind that makes you more focused, more aware. that gives you that empty, jittery, high-strung feeling. a lit uneasy but because you know there's no reason to be stressed, it feels lovely. that's the kind of anxiety i like. not the bad, the good.

and alas, it starts to pass. but first its slowly replaced with that mellow, numbness. that light push. up and down, up and down. i can feel it in my toes, in my ears. its that weird thing. how can you feel numbness? who knows, but you do. and it feels like heaven. sometimes there's that pang in the front of your forehead. it comes and goes. a little reminder that this isn't everything. sometimes you can't always feel good, or at least not for very long. becoming detached. flighty, light. airy almost. no cares, no problems, just emotions, touch, and dreams. your in two places at once. one in body, one in mind. two different beings. both you. both as smart as the other. completely different but in some way exactly the same. the thought crosses in front of you. it reminds you that this is just the effects. that maybe this can't actually happen. or maybe its just our brains can't quite grasp the concept, yet. that's why we don't think this way, we don't feel this way, when our brains are sober. you begin to think that maybe its just our brains haven't developed in this way on they're own yet. we haven't evolved enough to be able to think this way with out the help of drugs. maybe in the future generations they will tap into farther reaches of psyche like it was normal every day thinking. you can't pin point this and say its bad or its good. you can't say this isn't supposed to happen to our brains, or minds. where is it written that the creator of all things said this wasn't a good thing?